Piggie porn, out of left field

One minute, it's cute kids feeding the piglets; next minute, it's a live sex show out in the paddock, starring a poor fat sow at the mercy of a horny old boar.

We're at an auntie's farm just south of Auckland and I can't help shake the feeling (not for the first time) that being a female in the animal kingdom isn't worth two shits. Because, really, what's in it for the ladies? It's not like they get dinner, or a date, or any scintillating conversation out of the whole thing.

So I watch in fascination - trying not to be juvenile for the girls' sake - as the sow and the boar start going at it right in front of us, but my God, the boar cannot find where to put it and I collapse in giggles as he starts trying a whole new approach, doing a full 180-degree turn till he's in a piggie sixty-niner and banging away in her ear. Hump, hump, squeal! Hump, hump, squeal! She's clearly used to the humiliation, poor thing, and no doubt sneaking regular peeks at her piggie watch hoping it will all end soon. And the boar? Well he's a typical man if ever there was one: rubbing up against anything as long as it feels good!

I'm glad I'd already explained the facts of life to the kids but there's no explaining this boar's attempts to get lucky. Fortunately Annie and Molly let me off the hook - no questions, just giggles.